Cal Ripken Jr. Now Retired 2,652 Consecutive Days

Ret-IRON Man. Cal Ripken’s retirement streak continues to build everyday, much to the chagrin of a select few recent retirees.

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BALTIMORE, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) He hasn’t taken batting practice or suited up for a Major League game since 2001, and baseball historians are taking notice. “Cal is really something else,” said Sabermetrics guru Bill James. “Most guys have been tempted to come out of retirement or at the very least play in a charity softball game, but when Cal retires, he stays retired. He hasn’t lifted a finger. That’s what I call hard-nosed retirement. It’s also what I call a fast track to advanced heart disease and dementia.”

Ripken, who set the all-time consecutive games played mark with 2,632 straight contests, was known as Iron Man, a tip of the cap of sorts to the Iron Horse, Lou Gehrig, the man whose record Ripken broke. 

“He passed 2,632, twenty days ago” said Ripken’s brother Billy, himself a former major leaguer. “What can I tell you? Cal takes his retirement streak as seriously as his games played streak. He isn’t just going through the motions with all due respect to Mr. James’ assessment. He’s first in line for the early bird special at Kaufmann’s Tavern, and home by seven to catch Jeopardy and Wheel. By 9:00 A.M. the next morning he’s already had his fruit and yogurt and walked three miles at the Eastpoint Mall.”

But as Ripken piles on the days of retirement, there are a few who criticize him for acting in his own self-interest and feel he’s trivializing what it really means to be retired.

“I was retired for 1,943 straight days,” said Ken Martin, who used to drive a truck for Ace Moving Lines in nearby Towson, Maryland. “Then my wife Ann got sick and I had to go back to work as a security guard. I can’t even get to the early bird specials anymore because I work late, and I have to pay the full price for the broiled fish special. And I can’t tape Jeopardy and Sajak, because being over seventy, I naturally have no idea how to work the VCR, er uh, the DVR. Damn kids.” 

Sixty-seven year old Elwood Popky has a different viewpoint. “There are other people who deserve to retire – they’ve been working toward it their whole lives. But the field is getting crowded if you know what I mean. Cal could at least play in a celebrity game, but no!!! I guess he’s got to have the retirement record too. Is there no end to this man’s endurance? Damn you Cal Ripken! Damn you!”