The REAL Communist Threat

A GEORGIA FAN!

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For years, Florida, Georgia Tech, and Auburn fans have hated the Georgia Bulldogs.  “Oh, it’s just a rivalry,” you all have said.  Well today, I have conclusive proof that those three sets of fan bases have been right ALL ALONG.  As a Gator fan, I expect you all to send me your sincerest condolences for all the years you have written off the “World’s Largest Outdoor Gathering of People Who Are Not Consuming Anything Alcoholic We Absolutely Swear” as just another rivalry game.  No, no, my friends, the Florida-Georgia game is something much more than that, and us Gator fans have known it all along.

Want proof?  Check out this picture:

Yes, ladies and gentleman, that is the communist President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez.  The noted friend of that dirty communist Fidel Castro, the noted hater of America, and that man who has a big part in you paying $4.00 for a gallon of gas.  What is that he’s wearing?

IT’S A GEORGIA BULLDOG HAT!

So you want to write the Florida-Georgia game off as just another rivalry?  No!  This game is a fight between good and evil.  Between democracy and communism.  Urban Meyer?  He’s your Ronald Reagan fighting against the communist threat!

The new Ronald Reagan:

It all makes perfect sense now!  That field stomping in 2007?  That was the communists flexing their muscle, just like the Soviets cut off Berlin back in the 1940s!  Mark Richt?  Well he might as well be Joseph Stalin!  You want to tell me that this rivalry doesn’t mean anything now?  Mr. Richt, tear down this wall!  Tell us the truth about your relationship with Mr. Chavez!  Is it any surprise that Georgia's main color is red now?

Just call me Joseph:

Herschel Walker?  Consider him Leon Trotsky, the guy who really started it all for the Bulldogs, and who ran all over democracy (also known as the University of Florida) in the process.  I told you for years that Walker was nothing but pure evil, but now I have proof!  While I don’t have photographic proof, I can almost guarantee you that Chavez’s favorite Bulldog is Walker.  Why?  Because every Bulldog fan loves Herschel.

Leon Trotsky reincarnated:

Vince Dooley?  Well he’s your Karl Marx.  The man, who started the whole idea and who Chavez, undoubtedly, worships.  Dooley started the whole Georgia football dynasty and, without a doubt, is the man who should share the biggest amount of this blame.  Vince Dooley, you are a traitor!  Benedict Arnold?  Move over make room for Vince Dooley.

He might as well be called Karl:

So now do you see why the Florida-Georgia rivalry is more important than you ever could have imagined?  Ladies and gentlemen, this isn’t just a rivalry.  IT’S A MATTER OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE!  While the United States and Venezuela may never go to war, it has become painfully obvious now that Florida-Georgia is a proxy war.  As I have said before, Florida-Georgia is a game between right and wrong, a game between democracy and communism, a game that is a proxy war between Venezuela and the United States.

So do the right thing next year, root for democracy!  It is in the national interest for the Gators to win again in 2009.  Keep Chavez disappointed, keep oil prices low, and go Gators!

(Author’s note:  this is a purely satirical piece of writing.  While the photograph of Hugo Chavez is a real picture and has not been doctored in any way, shape, or form, it is just a coincidence that Chavez’s favorite soccer team, Guaros de Lara, happens to have the same colors and logo as the Georgia Bulldogs)